Reflections & Realities

Over the past weekend, I completed the Ft. McHenry Tunnel 5k for Special Olympics.  This is a unique opportunity to go through the ~1.5 mile tunnel without a car.  I started off good, like usual, but on the return trip I fizzled big time.  As I struggled to finish the race, I promised myself that if I finished this race, I would never race again.  At that moment in time I meant every word I said.  This was of course right after I spent a fortune on new running shoes, but that didn't matter.  Those who I know told me I was being silly and to remember how well I did on the Back to Football race.  I could not be swayed, until today.

 

Maria recommended me for blog series called "Why I Run."  The blogger is interviewing runners who are inspirational to other runners.  Of course, I don't think I'm much of an inspiration, but what do I know.  The blogger sent me a series of questions and one of them got me to thinking.  She asked what my biggest accomplishment to date was.  For me, the actual act of running is my biggest accomplishment.  I stopped and thought back to when I first started running again.  I realized I could barely run for more than 15 or 20 seconds let alone go any sort of distance.  Just running across the street was extremely difficult.  I remember the frustration I felt and wondering what the heck I was thinking.  My left leg and foot did not want to cooperate and when they did, they were unbelievably stiff. It was such an awkward feeling and not very promising.  Fortunately, I had made a commitment to run the Kelly's St. Patrick's Day Shamrock 5k and whether or not I ran it, I was going to complete it.  Somehow I completed it and did even better than I thought I would. 

Maybe I have my expectations set a little high and that where I am currently is better than expected already.  I should remember where I started 9 short months ago.  I have basically retaught myself how to run and in the process strengthened my ankle and worked on my balance.  My goal is still to run a complete 3.1 miles with no walking breaks, but maybe I'll give myself a break.  I don't need to get there tomorrow and if I have a bad race, that's okay.  At least I am out and still running.  Several years ago, the physical therapists were advising I use a cane and even a walker for longer walks.  Not only am I not using them, I have surpassed their expectations by being able to walk and run those longer distances.

I guess I really am doing pretty good.  Thanks Maria, for helping me to realize just where I started and how far I have gone.  I can't guarantee I won't forget again, but it's nice to know that your friends have got your back.

Top Ten Plus One

A couple days ago I texted the Sadist to ask him why I should show up at our next session.  As usual he ignored me, though his standard answer is always because I love it.  As I have said before, love is a very strong word and not one that I associate with working out.  I was not surprised nor upset by his lack of answers as I don't think he really knows what to say to me sometimes. 

 

Although I initially sent the text knowing I wouldn't hear back, I realized I did need those answers.  The past several weeks have been beyond hectic with me starting a new job and trying to work on my internship.  I love the new job, but I haven’t quite gotten used to the commute and I find I am tired many nights.  It occurred to me I really could use some motivation. 

 

Therefore, I decided to develop a top 10 list of why I should continue down this path.  I also decided it would be good to document it, especially when I need the little extra push.  When I started the list I hit a wall right off.  I got two, but I was stuck after that.  Since the Sadist was of little help in that department, I figured I would go to the next  best thing, my girlfriends.  I put the question to them to see what they could come up with and I have to say they did a great job.  Of course one person was a little over zealous and rattled off several of the obvious ones, leaving the rest to be more creative.  

 

So with their help, I am happy to provide the top 10 reasons (with a few annotations from me and a bonus reason) I should continue to work out with the Sadist and run:

 

1. I have visible results of what I have done already. 
2. I don’t want to lose the all the gains I have made in improving my health and my looks.
3. Great stress relief, especially when I get to punch a certain trainer.  ;-)
4. Releases endorphins which equals positive outlook and makes you happier
5. Now that I’m in my forties, I need to keep making goals and this is a good outlet for that.
6. I can proudly tell family & friend how many races I’ve run and how many more are scheduled
7. I'm not the only insane person getting up and running before the sun comes up
8. To be able to sprint to the finish line and beat Terri
9. Great looking trainer, I am so not discounting this reason.  Some days it is the only reason I keep going.
10. I've come too far to stop.

Bonus reason: 

1. Deep down I enjoy working out. (I’m still not completely agreeing to this one but it may have some merit).

Sometimes it is really good to be reminded why we put in hard work whether it is at home or working out.  I know I start to get tunnel vision and then lose the sight of why I started in the first place.  Obviously, I don't completely hate the work outs or I wouldn't still be going, but this list is a great reminder of just why I put up with the sweat, and aches and pains.  If anyone has any other reasons, please feel free to send it along.  I'll be happy to make this a top whatever I end up with list instead. 

 

Thanks ladies for your help.  It's great to know you have my back and it seemed like you guys had a little fun coming up with the reasons as well. 

Juggling Curve Balls

As I was reading a friend's blog, I felt as if she was talking about me.  Except for a few I items it described my feelings to a tee so I figured I would lift it directly from her.   

"Lately I've felt like I'm in the middle of a battle.  A battle with myself, a battle of the bulge, a battle for time..  I don't feel like I'm winning.  So, that makes the impending race feel all the more difficult.  I'm not sure I'm ready.  Friends have said they have faith in me, and I can do it.  I appreciate the confidence, I really do.. I just wonder where my OWN confidence is?  I can't seem to find it anywhere.."  

The only difference I have from what she said is I don't have the impending race, but my life right now feels like a race.  As I headed off to training on Friday, I contemplated my desire to continue with it.  I've been working hard, but wonder if it really is making a difference.  My  friends tell me there is, but many days I can't see a change.  I also wonder many times, "Am I just wasting the Sadist's time?".   

Life throws so many curve balls at you and sometimes it just seems like it is all too much.  This is definitely one of those times.  As I sit back and assess what is happening around me, I realize that I need to reevaluate where I'm going and how I'm doing that.  Lots to think about.

Being the good girl I am, I showed up at my training session raring to go, or as raring as I'm ever gonna get.  We got down to work right away and as usual he busted my ass.  Today was a high rep, low weight day, meaning lots more reps and although the weight was minimal (or so he said) I was definitely feeling it and that was just the 1st set. In fact, two days later I am still sore but it is a good sore.  There were squats, presses, flies, reverse flies (ick) and a few others I have blocked from my memory.  I also had to pay my debt for not doing abs on Tuesday.  I did well with the incline sit-ups but the reverse sit-ups just sucked, especially when someone put weights on my legs. As usual I somehow managed to survive to see yet another session.  Some days I really wonder if I'm gonna make it.  Since the O's didn't make it to the ALCS, I'll be heading in to the gym on Tuesday for yet another day of torture.

Moody Friday

Yesterday was one of those days where I probably should have just skipped the training session.  I was in a mood and it wasn't pretty.  I'm thinking it was a residual from the bad day earlier in the week.  The owner of the training studio commented that the Sadist wasn't getting any love today, and unfortunately he was right.

No matter what the poor guy said or did he just annoyed me.  This is not to say I was lax on doing my workout.  I put in the effort and worked my butt of just like usual, it just wasn't with my usual "sunny" disposition.  Sunny may be stretching it, but I generally have an upbeat attitude and the Sadist and I trade quips in good humor.  We got into it over the counting of reps and neither of us would admit the other may be right.  We ended up compromising, but not before we were face to face in a stare down.  He then gave me a smirk which did not help in the least.  Somehow we both survived it and we will live to spar another day.

After my upsetting doctor's appointment a few days earlier, I started questioning my desire to continue my training sessions.  On one hand, I dislike doing them because they can be so hard, time consuming and honestly at times I feel inadequate.  Yet, on the other hand, I love doing them because I enjoy the challenge and finding ways to succeed at that challenge.  Despite the positives, I was ready to give up on the training sessions.  Irrationally I reasoned that since the doctor didn't seem  impressed with my efforts it mustn't be big deal and therefore a waste of my time.  I did say it was irrational especially since I know how much the Sadist has been helping me but I then again I never said I was rational all the time.

Luckily we did survive yesterday in one piece and I am hoping after a nice quiet but busy weekend I'll have gotten this mood out of my system and things will run smoother on Tuesday.  Although I have nicknamed him the Sadist, he is a very sweet and caring guy who is doing his best to help me and I do appreciate all he has done.  Just maybe I'll be a little nicer to him on Tuesday and possibly even apologize for being such a pain.  

Midweek Therapy

My therapy bag.

Today I had my annual physical and like any other time I go to the doctor, I came out feeling worse then when I went in.  It didn't seem to matter that I have been making positive strives to improve my health. When I told my doctor about my weight training with the trainer and doing cardio the rest of the week all I got was a "mm hmm."  There was no "good job" or "keep up the good work."   There was nothing positive, just all the things that were wrong with me, and apparently there are a lot of them.

By the time I got home, I was down in the dumps and by the time the sun set I was spitting mad.  After a couple of hours of brooding (yes, I do brood and I do it well).  I realized I had a lot of pent up anger.  I had a strong urge to punch something (or someone) until I just felt better.  As luck would have it, I own a punching bag and it is good for just these occasions and if I happened to get in a workout, all the better.  I spent the better part of half an hour punching and kicking the crap out of the bag.  I moved the bag all around the floor and even managed to spill some of the water out of the base.

The best part was that I could really see the strength I have gained from working out with the Sadist as well as the difference in my balance.  I was able to place some rather good in to out and out to in crescent kicks, as well as roundhouse kicks.  By the end of my little impromptu session, I had both a good sweat going and a much calmer demeanor.   The punching bag provided a two-fer. I not only got a great workout but a wonderful therapy session too.